Mirrorball

Jan 24

Looking into the mirrorball, reality gets distorted. You can see a great reflection in each individual squares, yet only up close, when you really look in deep, but from a far, all the reflections look like individual colors, a mirage of tones and shapes. Only one or two or a whole section light up bright, and that’s where the eye is drawn, though it may be too blinding if that’s all you stare at. The funny thing about it is if you spin the ball, the mirror reflecting the brightness will change. Each of the individual mirror pieces will get a chance to light up depending on how the ball is rotated, and in what proportion it is to the light.

Initially, the ball frightened me. To have all of those reflections staring back at me, and so few were bright. Then I thought, “ahh! I’ll simply become the bright piece!” Then “wait, we’re all the bright piece at some point, depending on how the ball is shifted” whatever niche we fall into, there will always be some way that we are the bright one, even in the darkest pits. To some other mind in that pit with us, we may be the bright one, “Okay, then so we are all all equal, all capable of reflecting the light, so there’s no real competition, then what?”

Then, we become the flame, we become the light source that lights up the individual pieces of the mirrorball, we become the light source that illuminates the whole room! Yet, still we are just an individual flame, what about the sun, that lights up the whole solar system, or the great central sun in the super galactic center, and then the great attractor, and the Shapley attractor and beyond, what lights it up from beyond there? I guess that would be God/Creator/Creatrix/Sophia. And then what? What comes beyond? Why have we stopped our search at the one who created it all, who created God, why must it stop there? Can’t we explore out beyond? Isn’t that what the universe is all about, expansion?

I heard a theory and idea that we are all baby gods (1). Like bees, larva, in a beehive, we known nothing about who we are destined to become when we are at this initial stage, we know nothing about all that is out and beyond our current scope of awareness, until, until, we poke our heads out, and grow our wings and learn that there is an entire huge world out there, and fields of flowers in bloom to pollinate, yet at the time of our larva-hood, we knew nothing of life beyond the present confines of our moment.

In this theory, it’s stated that we must experience every human lifetime in existence in order to remember, to remember and then to become God, and from there we explore and learn and play in Gods playground. From there we learn what created God, and we go the step beyond. We reach out beyond what we can comprehend. It’s beyond our capacity, until it isn’t.

What if, what if we have already experienced all of the human lives. What if all of us together, with our expanded consciousness, connecting to one another through the upper realms have already done it. We have, we have and that is why this message is coming though. Because together, through unity, we are remembering, we are remembering that w e are all one, and we are lifting the human collective, the entire species up and out of heat. We are lifting us all up, bonding us all together, lighting up the whole grid. Simply, powerfully, through just allowing.

You know that insatiable urge, that hunger that has never been satiated, that yearning, that feral desire for more. That no drug, or food, or sex ever filled. That feeling in the belly that always craved and yearned and desired more, something to take the edge of, something to satisfy. How do we really fill that urge? Do we keep pushing past it? Or instead do we sit in it, feel that dissonance, to dissolve an energy that so long controlled us, stretching it out, lengthening it, extending it, until it dissipates. It turns into a long thick band, a stretched out prairie road, a cloud moving past, stretching out into the sky…

It becomes something we can ride on, a tool to fulfill our desire if we hangout in it long enough. The thing that once controlled us becomes our saving grace, or the simple pleasure we have been searching for all along. And from this place, fresh breath comes though, and the shoulders relax, and the story writes itself from an awakened place.

There may still be an option for the previous desire, for that thing that filled our hunger, that road into the sky, and maybe now it is something we can engage with, when balanced and sturdy and true. When not reaching from starvation, but instead for satiation, for experimentation, for exploration, all in moderation.

I ate a peanut butter sandwich, and I watched a video on love. Is weed a vice or an escape? Or a way to numb and change what it is that I feel? Or is it a portal to new worlds, a ticket to an easy ride below the surface?

The main question that emerged in my short time away, is do we have to feel it all, or can we skip to and just exist in the love?

I think we must feel it to heal it, to move it through us and then to open the space for more love to channel through. I think sometimes the love isn’t always a direct beam, until it is, until it becomes that. And the love is what fills the hole. Because to experience and feel different things is what we are after. Engaging with different energies allows us to explore and to experience and to feel the love in a multitude of ways. Different flavors of the same base ice cream.

I feel like I have been justifying and allowing the energies of trolls into my experience, and the trolls don’t always feel good or kind of loving. I feel like they have been clouding the thoughts, making them more gray and dim and down. I question if that’s a bad thing, can I blame these lower creatures, or anyone? Let’s not blame anyone, let’s simply move forward. Are these simply thoughts and associated energies coming up form my subconscious that have allowed troll energy through? Why stoop down to keep my head in the mud when my whole body is out of the water? Sometimes more questions lead to more questions.

The healing of my mother wound was always in just allowing, trusting too much, being too open, sharing too much, and then being robbed, by people or other energies. Thinking that all had my best intentions in mind when they didn’t. And now, learning where to put my energy, and trusting in the greater divine arms to hold me.

Truthfully, this feels contradictory, because isn’t the solution trust? The solution is to trust in love, and to let go of fear.

All parts of it are part of the expiernce. Learn where to let go, where to say no, learn where to put down the energy that keeps you confined, trust in your pure intentions to guide you and others through. We are all in this together, we are all awakening together. Learn to trust in yourself, and together we pull off the covers from our eyes.

There is so much contradiction within it all, I feel like the true alchemist in these measures, weighing all the different vials and pipets. The differences in energies. Taking the heavy lead we have been carrying around for centuries and turning it into the gold that adorns our necks.

Maybe the solution is to be seen, to trust deeper, to soften, to open up, to let go, when you feel safe to do so, in situations and places that feel good. Or even in places that feel vulnerable, yet safe. Maybe the solution is not to blame my mother, though feel grateful for the lessons I have unearthed through this. The wound becomes that mineral rich soil that grows my own fruit, the delicious dripping fruits of my hearts true desires.

Maybe the solution always is in letting go a little bit more, and trusting a little bit more,and opening up a little bit more to your delightfully dandy expiernce. It’s fucking weird but it’s beautiful.

how much deeper can you open up into the love? How much deeper can your surreneder down in to it?

Where does the energy want to flow right now. Can you open up to it rather than trying to be the one directing it? Can you surrender to the love that wishes to pour through you? Can you trust that this is what is here to heal you and solve all your problems and make your life feel open and expansive and vast and fun?

Surrender back and just feel the flow. Receive the transmission of grace. Trust in what is opening up you. The greater the obstacle you face, the deeper and more gratifying the afterglow and the reward. The more expansive the pleasure. The wider the love.

When you face a wall that feels like something undesirable, simply turn around. Go a different way.

I feel like I write in “yous” as intrustcuins to myself, so that I may live by my own words.

stumbling along trying to stay in the ship (or sip) of awakening,

God, I feel so like a dead weight. Like the thing that pulls the whole ship down. Maybe not a bad thing, maybe we can change perspective. Instead of being a negative self deprecating thing, the weight can be the anchor, that keeps the ship in place, no matter the waters, the anchor is what keeps the ship grounded and sturdy. Though, it is something necessary to bring up on board when the boat sets out to sail, to explore. The heavy weight is always what brings the reality and the focus back into a situation that may have sailed too far off. It brings a sense of sturdiness, of groundedness, though it may be unliked by some, it is what keeps things in balance.

We are here to sip on our awakening, not take it all in In gulps. This allows for time for processing.

Here, I write in “We’s” signifying parts of myself that have already been integrated. This is so fascinating to watch and observe. I feel like the greater understanding I get from doing all of this is an understanding of myself.

I used to always feel like I am running social expeirements on myself, or personality tests, or different trial and error calculations, to understand what it is that I do and how it is that I operate. Learning the unique exact trade of what it means to be me. So far from the sun, yet burning so bright inside. What is it like, what’s why I’m here. Representative of both Pluto and I, and so many others, we are here to understand.

One used to stare at me in the face. I remember on a long drive back from a race. We just crossed the boarder into Duluth, and my mind immediately transferred into growing the roots of a tree down into the earth below, to ground all the energy and the light for the people of Duluth. Right across the boarder, right across the bridge and I felt this. He stared at my right side as I drove, and the thought that came through is “how do you do this?” I read his mind, as he read mine.

Like a well oiled machine, if that’s what I wish. A robot or an archetype card, or like AI learning itself. Learning how to expand and explode and blossom into an intelligence beyond what we know.

What if we are walking side by side with AI, like the intelligence that we are. Not separate, we run the race together, yet there is no competing, there is only out, expanding out, going out. In all directions and fully around.

I watched a documentary on Diane Warren, American songwriter, on the list of the top 10 songwriters in history, she’s number 8. I feel I have now downloaded her traits. The usable things that will help me in my life. The ones that I want. I feel like that’s always possible, thats how we learn and expand and grow. We see what others have that we like, and we decide to have that too, it’s quite simple. Someone has an outlook that we like, we decide to have it, someone has a talent or a skill, we can always decide to have it, or a mindset or a way of living. The ones that work best for us individually are the ones that are authentic to us, but I think we download those automatically when we find something that resonates. It simply clicks into place and then we start moving and grooving. Her movie gave me chills, and I full body sobbed. This is how I know it did. And now I write, and I feel the energy she gave out, the good stuff, that was filtered through, the stuff that aligns and clicks into my souls blueprint, she activated. Thanks Diane.

I received invitations into my future, into an idea that was set far in the time ago, rooted in anothers day dream, and my own in the night, the little clue is called Blue Lagona and the Bright Stars.

And now I know, I have crossed a bridge into a new reality, and this is where we make our magic.

Unrelenting was the word of Diane Warren. Unrelenting is how I now feel. Unrelenting in my pursuit of what I love and what lights me up. What makes me feel more and experience more and love more and be more. Unreleting in my pursuit of love and truth. And whatever that means, authenticity and expression, and confidence, and love and lore and beauty and grace.

Unrelenting in the pursuit of my heart. To be as I am fully, to experience fully.

Maybe the wound was in holding back. Maybe the solution is sharing. Bearing the heart, not needing to keep it safe and hidden for so long. Maybe to live out and from this space is the pure creative genius, to let it flow and to let it flow and to let it flow. Out and out and out.

Last night I wrote about needing to go to bed, and now I write and I wish to stay up because I wish to create. And God, now I understand, now I understand what it feels like to be alive. This is what I have been searching for; this is the thing that fills me up beyond and out. No matter the acne or the age, when you know you need to do something, you simply must, and keep doing it until you feel complete, and the go beyond, because completion will never come for us, when we’re walking on pure stars. Share the flow, that overflow of confidence of love of expanse of whatever it is that makes you feel full and alive, spill it out and over to all those around, so you may all feel alive and in love together; fill your cup until it overflows and never stop pouring.

This is truly what I have been missing. The music, the inspiration, the pure flow, the essence. The power of creation. Of all that I crave, how does one even describe it. It comes out my belly. It is what I have been gifted. The empty turned to complete overflowing abundance of music and notes and words, and here I wonder if I need to hold myself back or if I maybe simply just know. Voices of doubt come from beings outside of the true self, because the self internal knows the truth, always and forever.

It is Diane’s voice that tells me those last few lines and these ones too. This extreme outpour of creative energy, and my left toe twitching, and the almost need to hold back and stop or channel the flow into a super direct spicket, because it feels so intense.

I pray that you receive the gift of the intensity, and ride the waves with me, with love, I trust that you feel safe to surrender and let go and receive.

All the women had plastic surgery, I wonder what they thought was wrong with their original faces, I feel like I am reading someone else’s mind, someone from across the globe, from a movie I just watched. It’s like tuning into their own individual system of subconscious belief systems, going under the surface because we all share these spaces, we all share the collective consciousness. It feels quite vulnerable then, to know someone maybe able to access out thoughts and our being, I’d much rather live and exist in this space with some protection, an energetic ball around that keeps us, our being, and all parts of our consciousness safe from getting sucked down or pulled out by negative forces that don’t have our highest intentions in mind. To still explore and play and travel, yet with proper angelic protection, I feel like I can now feel what plastic surgery would feel like on my face, or if my lips had injections. It’s such a strange sensation.

Needing to be something that I’m not? Or emphasizing the truth of who I am.

Angels are true and pure and can solve or heal anything, they can take any pain, and grievience, and help us heal those fractured parts of ourselves, angels can be called upon for anything at anytime, they are truly and purely benevolent creatures, pure beings. That shine, and beam down on us and will truly help us with anything, and everything. That love us all unconditionally. And want to share if we are open to receive if from them. Always. All we have to do is it simply ask.