Elephant snoot
It’s so phallic, why is it always so phallic. I sit and I get a tattoo and this is what comes forth. This is what comes through. “Snap out of it, baby, snap out of it” on the radio. I sit on my left hip and try and disconnect from my right leg as it gets pepper shaded and laced with ink.
“Snap out of it”
Is this something I’m meant to go farther into or something to just let wash away. I said “let’s use this pain as a transcendental spiritual experience” yet now as I sit here, and feel it, my face scrunches up in the pain as I try to surrender. Funnily, the knee on my opposite leg is what begs for more of my attention. I am curious as to my own writing style. Is it all based in the tumblr blogs I once read when I was young? Dripping in honey and cigarettes and pain, they made the depression into something all the cool kids wore, it was a brand, a style that I adorned myself with. It’s a crowd I found a home within yet still just on the outside of. Not sad enough until I had really experienced something horrible, and I felt I had never experienced enough, so I created a life of torture for myself, from the time I was young, so I would have something to really ‘cry about’.
A saying my father would tell me whenever I expressed pain, he’d ‘give me something to cry about’. Promptly I’m shut up about my experience and continue on. A joke in his eyes yet something I carried on with me. Instilling these beliefs deep into my subconscious, I thought I had to earn my suffering. I thought I had to experience more pain in order to be allowed to feel the intensity of the sadness I felt. So I took it and rolled with it, manifesting my hell on earth day after day, deeper and deeper I went. Wanting more, feeling I deserved more, more pain that is, becoming my own greatest enemy and swearing I’d make myself pay. Until maybe I’d finally be worthy of what I felt. Worthy to feel it without remorse or shame or guilty. When would my suffering be enough?
Whenever I decided. Whenever I decided I was done. Which I finally did. Though it meant a complete rewiring of my entire brain. From self torture, to self love. Step by step, it happened.
To see the cycle, bring the awareness and then decide: I’m done. I’m done and I deserve to feel all of my emotions. The sadness, the pain, the joy and the bliss. It’s a true blessing to live such a complete existence that allows for them all. And then, once the feeling is felt and done, to let it blow away in the breeze like a leaf or a seed or a breath. And carry on. Lighter, freer, ready for the next experience.
The conscious construction of hell on earth transformed into my awakening to heaven, going through it to find my way through to the other side. The lighter aspects, where joy became the currency and love is the most potent force. The glue that brings it all together.
I release all my previous beliefs of suffering as a means to spiritual enlightenment. Pain as what would make me worthy. Suffering as the thing that would make me self actualize more.
It’s simply not the real true key, it’s no longer what I believe; joy is. Joy is what I now believe in. Love is. Love is the only force that’s pushed me farther than I’ve ever gone before, and made me wish to be the one walking side by side with me, holding my own hand, holding the hand of God. Love is what made me end all my vices and self destructing behaviors. And lay down the weapon of self hatred. Love is what has opened all doors, time and time again. Through trusting myself, loving myself more and more and more. Creating inseparable, unbreakable bonds within myself, that hold me strong in my light and truth. Love is the force that has done that.
“Pain as a transcendental spiritual experience” is not something I agree with now. Pain is something we experience, yes, it’s inevitable, my leg being tattooed tells me this quite clearly, but the pain is not what’s getting me through it. Love is. Holding myself in this space, through and with the sensation, the love is what gets me through. Love is what keeps me lit up from my core, love is what writes this. Love is what keeps me going, love sees the next mountain and says let’s climb it! Love is how we transcend.
Tattoo from Alexandra ♥️.
