The Space in Between
I start this from the That space. That space in between, brought forth from the sleep, brought forth into this waking dream, brought forth to share the Godliness of us all and this world and our existences. Walking the fine line in between for some time now, knowing, yearning, feeling that pull that pull on my awareness to rise and to write, like the old scriptures, pulled by the great force of Light, to share about the space in between. That space where we walk the line between reality and the reality of dreams. It is so thin, the veil between the worlds. We could step out of one and hop into the other in a heartbeat, the only thing that separates is the workings of the mind, the leftover judgements from the day before, yet they overlap, they correspond to the time in which we dream.
Wonder why,
I wonder why. And what is being written.
An maybe we simply allow
Like in that time and space within a dream. Where we always just do and where we allow
God pulled me, and told me to write.
I dreamt of going to the store, and having a bunch of clothes to try on. I gathered them, and brought them to a fitting room, I had choice, and I picked the one on the right, it was slightly smaller than the one on the left. It had doors on both ends. Going to the hallway with all the other fitting rooms, and one accessing the rest of the store. I placed all of the merchandise, all of the clothing in this room, quite neatly, and stepped out to go use the bathroom. The attendant was really supportive and kind. Some of the items I felt most drawn to were a black and gold Sari, a black long skirt, and some other basic clothing. The sari felt like something I quite yearned for and dreamed of, yet I felt conscious of the fact that it wasn’t from my waking life’s culture or heritage, so I held doubts if it was appropriate for me to have or wear, yet the beauty and elegance of its black sheer fabrics with intricate gold stitching patterns spoke to me as if from in a dream, and that’s where we were.
God smiled down upon me, opening up the space in between. Filling that space with light. Filling it wit purpose and drive and beauty, there was a mud road between villages, that God filled with light. It was filled with light and I felt compelled to write. To rise and to write. Ignore the need to brush the teeth quite yet, but still take a pee, but most important of all, rise and write.
I dreamt that my cousin was getting her hair cut, upstairs by my mom. Her mom dropped of some Zyns and sour coated lifesaver mints for me in the room below. I questioned the zyns, for I don’t use nicotine, but I popped a mint into my mouth, in its artificial glory, and waited for her mom to return in some time with some cash payment.
I wonder why there is this separation, this separation within. I rise and I write, from this beautiful, comfortable, blissful magical space, just uncomfortable enough to push my body up and out to write, but so full of beauty and light that no sane person would ever wish to leave. God speaking down, smiling and holding me. And I wake up and enter this realm that is full of thoughts. Thoughts that weighed heavy. Thoughts that I notice that sink my ship, like the water comes into the vessel and with a quick arm I scoop it out with a bucket. We’re either in a drastic wind storm or on a crystal clear, open sea. That choice is up to me, and my cat just caught a mouse.
He’s been waiting for it for weeks, “but if we have choice in it, why does the option for a windstorm with water filling up the boat feel ‘easier’ in some aspects. It’s like it’s easier to sink and get pulled down than to rise up and stay swimming”
What is the why? Why do we go forth and carry on and work to shovel out the water from the boat. Or why not simply choose the path with the calm sea.
Now I sit in my bed, the space between that I was called forth from. Apollo (the cat) caught the mouse, and I flung him outside by its tail into the snow. The mice have such big eyes, his leg was ripped, the muscle and bone beneath exposed. And Apollo just played with him, like a new toy, as the creature tried to scurry away on a half mobilized body. And I just threw him out into the snow, afraid of the responsibility of its death. Out into the snow to hopefully freeze it to death, while it still laid heavy on my consciousness. As if it were my doing, the death in my hands. I threw it out and shut the door. Trying to run, opting to ignore.
How can I sit down to write and ignore the feelings inside, when that is all that yearns to come out of me. A fucking freikenstein. Material world possessions, waiting on a family to bring me the cash. Why? What does this really provide? It’s empty inside. It’s not the truth. Should I sit with it more or just keep going? The gold, the Godliness is bright and aware and expansive. The void that pushes forth, the voice of a demon dressed in light, is what holds back. Sometimes, the stillness, the void space, is just what we need. Why hold back from the words that wish to come through, why limit and block the creative flow that yearns for expression.
It’s like the water in the ship, is it worth it to shovel it out or go down with the waves. Why does it fill up so instantly upon waking? The first few voices in, the ones of doubt, that cloud and black the light. When did this gain more power over the true voice within, the one that compels you forward, encouraging you to rise from your sleep and start the new day.
When did those voices hold more power than the true one within. It feels touchy, feely, to dive into the realm of religions and scriptures, afraid to fall down a rabbits path that would get me stuck. Trying to stay in line with a path that my mind chose, that I thought was the one. One that is straight and narrow but totally misses the sun, this path isn’t the true path, because the mind created it, not the creator. And yes, the mind is a tool of ourselves, but it serves us best when we surrender it to our higher creator. When we release the reigns over it and give it all back up to the source, the God Source.
I always thought a ‘source’ was quite limiting. It was just a flat term for the infinite expansion of creation, that my mind can never fully encapsulate, yet God felt like something that was not for me. A brand of the Christians and the religious folk. They all had such a personal connection with this being, this ‘man’ that I felt like was not me. I felt pushed to the outside, walking around the beauty that all these others saw and felt and experienced and I felt like it was not for me, wasn’t allowed to me, because I didn’t prescribe to the texts or the worship in the ways their brand did. I felt like I had to explain and describe this relationship and connection to others, to validate my thoughts and feelings of being an outsider to my own sovereign birthright, of feeling safe and held and love by the Creator. I dabbled on the outside, wanting to come in so badly, wanting to hangout with all those around, but feeling like maybe it wasn’t for me, yet my heart was wild, and would not stop yearning. “What about missionaries, I can’t be the one pushing the doctrine on innocent folk”, I thought to myself, still treading in the outside, swimming around this great circle of light. Wishing, praying, secretly “please let me in” and then once in the feelings come forth and bubble up, “am I even worthy of this?”.
How long it is that I have been treading water around this, afraid to get close, because none of the doctrines or group set sail to my soul. None of them spoke the true language of my heart, so I treaded water around. I swam around in circles, maybe waiting for the right one to come in, maybe for the right one I could assimilate into, yet they still weren’t all right. Like these giant bubbles that felt like all or nothing. “Not for me” yet also what I yearned for more deeply than anything in my bones, in the vast expanse of my being. A relationship with my Creator, some call her Sophia, the God in her Goddess form. And maybe this sets in deeper for me, connects me more true to who I really am, to be held by the Woman bathed entirely in light, the one who Created the light, the Birther of all existence.
Am I worthy? Its inherent, its god given, its like breathing, its like being, to feel a connection with the creator or Creatrix of all life. Sophia, Great Sophia, the one who holds me in tenderness and care, the one who pushed me off the cliff to awaken to myself. Sophia, God, Creator, of course I am worthy, equal to all in our worthiness.
Honoring the feelings within is honoring the Godself within. They have something to teach us, to share with us, to give back to us. All of it has its pure purpose. As compost or as fuel.
I was on a spiritual path for so long, yet avoiding the connection to the One, to the All. The one who created my unique soul, who chose me and designed me so intricately. So uniquely and so entirely perfect. The one who molded my skin and my flesh and made me perfect in all of my ways, all of my freckles and my skin. Dimples and cellulite and my chin. My outer appearance and all the beautiful wonderful magical workings within. The one who guides these words, the one who’s neck I hold gently too like a great dragon flying through the cosmos.The one who created me to perfection, who guided me and helped me choose my path and my past and my destiny. Who helped me decide to forgot, to forgot my connection, our connection, our bond our oneness, in order to come back and to remember.
I felt like religions were not for me, yet they showed a plan and a blueprint for so many others to hold strong and fast and close to Their God and creator. I thought they weren’t for me because they held so many rules and ideas of how it should be and what is right and what is wrong. And to those I don’t abide. But, like the beautiful black and gold sari from my dream, I yearned to try it on and dance around in its wonder and splendor, I yearned to dress up for a day, and then take it off, and maybe try it on again for another occasion. All the clothes I brought into the dressing rooms were my opportunities to try on new gowns and modalities and ways to dress up and embellish my character. But underneath it all, the truth, the real naked truth was just my body and my being. Still the same flesh and bone, and pure love.
Was it embarrassing to want a connection to God in a world so disconnected? Or was it the true ticket to liberation and freedom. To fly against the grain into wholeness. To know and feel so strong in the bond, that no matter if the sea was full of storms or wind or waves, if the boat filled up with water, or the water was calm and cool with ease, that we’d be okay, safe and protected and held by the One. For eternity, guiding us, steering us, helping us, Loving us into remembrance of wholeness and oneness.
God pulled me from sleep and told me to write, God opened the door between worlds. The portal that transports me into the answers to my own questions, in the round-a-bout way of my unique mind and soul.
Created with with the magic of AI
Now the why still lingers, and the answers always come through. Am I worth it? I must simply decided. To choose and to decide. And so I do and so I do and so I do. I choose me, I choose this life I choose to live and to breathe and to be love and alive and well. I choose to liberate myself, to live with purpose, free, alive and well and full of joy. I choose to follow what brings brightness to my days and I choose to let go and release all that blocks me and keeps me down; I choose me. I choose me through choosing spirit, through choosing my connection to oneness, to source, to pure love, I choose liberation and freedom and exploration and play. I choose bliss and joy and experience and love. I choose me, again and again and again, and I hope that you do too.
I hope and I pray that you find peace, that yo experience joy and release from your thoughts and the pains around. I pray that your light and your mind and your whole being aligns and find connection. With the one true source, with your infinite self, with the Godsource within and around. I pray that you live in peace, in harmony, in true sanctuary within and around. As above, so Below, I pray that you feel safety and sanity, and trust in the great divine and the plans of spirit. I pray that your hunger is fulfilled and that you live nourished, and present, and full. Peaceful, and satisfied. Steady. I pray that you feel in love with yourself and the life that you get to live. I pray your body stays healthy, and that your mind remains sharp and clear and calm. I pray that your heart feels light and expansive and buoyant and full of joy and love and song, I pray that your body finds the movement that it needs to feel alive. I pray that you feel satisfied and complete and whole inside.
I pray that you let go and trust and surrender it all to the source of love that brought you into this experience. I pray that you feel the love that you are. I pray that you feel the love that you are. I pray that you feel the love that you are. Whole, and complete, and right and true, it’s always been you and it’s always been inside of you, you are the answers to your own prayers. God is the one who guides you there, listen in dear one. And trust and surrender and pray, it’s always here, each and every day. I love you dear child, I love you endlessly and entirely and completely. You are whole you are complete, you are perfect.
Choose to accept this now, decide to receive these prayers. Open up and allow yourself to be blessed. Surrender, trust, and allow your true spirit to do the rest.
I love you endlessly.
A
